I Now Pronounce You Man and … Laptop. You May Kiss the … Monitor? …

It seems that the London Telegraph, as well as other news sources, reports that a man from Florida wants to … this is not a joke … marry his … are you sitting down? … laptop. Specifically, it’s a Macbook. His argument makes perfect sense, assuming that you’re ready and willing to redefine marriage.
As more and more states legalize gay marriage, I predict that the next group who will cry out for equal rights are polygamists. After all, if you’re willing to redefine marriage to allow for one man to marry another man or one woman to marry another woman, then why limit your definition to just saying that only two individuals can marry. After all, that doesn’t seem fair to a man who wants to marry three women. If you accept that, you then have to consider the equal rights of those who believe in polyamory. After all, if we redefine marriage to allow three or four to marry why should it be limited to just one man and three women? We should allow two men and four women to marry. By the time we get through all of these redefinitions, we’ll have redefined and reshaped the concept of marriage into something which will become so distorted and twisted as to make it completely unrecognizable, which is what happens when you allow anyone to define and redefine a concept to their own specifications. This appears to be the logic, if I can be permitted to use such a word in this context, by this particular individual who asserts that if you allow certain sexual minorities to marry then he should have the right to marry his Macbook. Here’s my prediction specifically with the Florida case: after a few years, the Macbook will decide to end the marriage due to irreconcilable differences and will begin dating a younger, prettier iPod. Oh, brave new world …


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